Amendment

Nancy is not the first to get married from our group, she's actually the third, after Jessica and Michelle. I have no idea what I was thinking, except for the fact that my brain malfunctioned about Jessica's and no one (that I know of) was invited to Michelle's.

I sincerely apologize for any hurt feelings caused by my lack of memory.

Deep Thoughts

The weekend is almost over, and I am caught thinking deep thoughts about life and my future...okay, they're deep for ME; those of you with greater IQ will probably compare my "deep" thoughts to the brain activity of a cow, but so be it.

As I look back on Nancy's wedding, it starts to sink in that although we like to joke about not "growing up," it is obviously inevitable. Not only inevitable, but happening right now and won't stop, EVER. I hadn't seen Nancy in a while, and like Megan, never really thought that she would be the first person in our little group to get married; not because I didn't think she was capable of it, but I guess I just wasn't really prepared for any of us to get married. It's just such a big step, and it just serves to highlight the fact that no matter how good I think I'm doing in my life, I'm nowhere NEAR grown up.

And I realize that I really want to be grown up.

GASP - I know - I said it. And the really scary thing is that I mean it.

Those of you who have known me forever can probably think of at least a hundred separate times you've heard me say "I'm never getting married." But now - seeing one of my friends finally have that connection - that love - I just realize that I want that too. The reason I always said I'm never getting married is because my whole life I've been telling myself I'm not good enough to have that kind of love, that I don't deserve it. Deep down, I figured if I told myself I didn't want it, it wouldn't hurt so much if it never happened. But now...I want to believe that the opportunity is there for everyone; I so desperately want to believe that there is someone out there for me that I can share my life with. Someone who understands my need to quote from movies all the time, who won't just "put up with" my Gemini-ish 'dual personality,' but actually love me because of it. Is this possible? Do you really think that there is someone out there in the world meant just for you? Do I dare even hope for something like that?

I used to joke about being the "crazy cat lady" that had a million cats in the creepy old house on the corner. Now, my biggest fear is living alone for the rest of my life; of never having the love that Nancy and Brian so obviously have an abundance of. But what if there isn't anyone out there for me? What if there is no one in the world who will meet me and actually think "I want to get to know her better - I want to spend more time with her - I want to know what she's thinking - I want her to be the last person I think of or talk to at the end of the day...?" What if now that I finally know what I want, I end up miserable if I don't ever achieve it? I'll see myself as a failure, and really will end up being the crazy cat lady.

I don't think I've ever been in love - or at least, the people I've thought I loved surely didn't love me back...at least not "that way." Yes, the old "let's be friends" cliche. Maybe that's the root of my negativity...afraid of getting burned again? Of putting out my feelings for someone I love, finally getting up the courage to say to someone that you love them so much you can't imagine a day going by without talking to them, seeing them, laughing with them... and end up being rejected once again, and on top of that, losing a friendship as well? Because once you say what's in your heart and you're turned down, I don't care how close you were to that person, your relationship will never be the same. And I know that I'm not willing to lose that friendship again, which makes me unable to say what I'm feeling, which puts me in this emotional limbo where I know what I want, but am unwilling to be the first to put my heart on the line again...

Once again, I manage to take something that is wonderful and turn it into a complete monologue about myself. I'm so happy for Brian and Nancy, please believe me when I say that. And it seems funny to say, because I don't really know Brian at all, but together, you can just see the happiness, the love, the togetherness - they truly are "happily ever after" and I just want to believe that I can have that too...

And they lived happily ever after... 

The last dance... 

The first dance... 

The married couple making the rounds... 

Nancy and Brian 

Growing Up...

It's official. I have to grow up now. The first person from my close group of friends from high school just got married.

It was a beautiful ceremony, and the reception was excellent - she was just stunningly beautiful, and we had a great time. I'm too tired to start uploading all the pictures I took, but I will be sure to do that this weekend.

Now my brother's wedding in October is starting to get closer. This will be the first wedding I'm actually in. My first time as a bridesmaid...

AND I got my first paycheck today!!! It's a bit odd to get paid weekly instead of bi-monthly, but if I multiply this one by 52, that would make a yearly income of...holy crap - yes, leaving my old job for this one was DEFINITELY worth it...

Well, while Matt is desperately trying to get rid of the ants in his house, I noticed this morning that after two weeks, the "service engine soon" light finally went off!

So then, I started thinking...what if the light burnt out and there's still something wrong? What if it's like on a timer or something and assumes that you'll take care of the problem within two weeks then turns itself off because no moron would let an issue go that long without taking it in to be looked at....

I'm so friggin paranoid. So I'm trying to convince myself that it was, indeed, the fact that I had not secured the gas cap last time, and since I remedied the problem, the light has gone off.

And now I'm looking forward to a nice long holiday weekend - and it just occurred to me today that I haven't had to look at or speak to my former bosses at all in the last two weeks - and it's amazing how much happier I am. More tired, definitely, as the work load is much greater, but happier. And that's all that matters.

HA! Only worked 8 hours today. I even worked mostly by myself all day and discovered that I'm actually doing really well, and left to my own devices can pretty much handle a lot of the job on my own now. Still looking forward to the 3 day weekend, though...

As some of you may have noticed, my computer threw up while trying to shut down this morning, and of course I didn't realize it because it's the last thing I do before I leave for work. So apparently my AIM was on all day, leading people to believe I was available for chatting, when in fact it was my computer, the IMPOSTER, accepting messages without my consent or knowledge!!! Of course, it was stuck in limbo land between shutting down and running properly, but that's beside the point. In any event, I apologize for seeming to ignore everyone today.

I'll have to teach Nemo how to type...

Why?

Would someone pleeeeeeeeeeeeze tell me why I just put in a 12 1/2 hour day at work?

Oh yeah. The money. I forgot.

Yes indeed, I put in my first ever 12 hour day - I don't think I even ever did that at HDE - Lord knows if I did, I would've been a complete moron. At least at Nextel, I know I'm appreciated.

Man, it's only 10:20pm and it's 20 minutes past bedtime - I got home less than an hour ago. Good thing it's a holiday weekend coming up. Unfortunately, I can't help but remember that at this time last year, I was in Miami, getting ready to hop on a cruise ship to go to the Bahamas...

- someday I'll get another real vacation...

Whoa

GREAT ending to 24 tonight - but does it mean there won't be another season? How will they get him back next year if he's "dead?" I guess we shall see...

On a positive note - I actually created my very first few agent codes on my OWN this afternoon!!! One can only hope that it means that I'm not so hopeless after all... I still seem to be going at a snail's pace, but it reminds me of when I started taking piano lessons ages and ages ago - I always got so impatient that I couldn't play the music exactly like I heard it on my first try; irrational, I know, but that's just my personality. But my teacher always said - learn it slow - once you know the notes, then you can speed it up.

"You gotta walk before you can crawl."

"Reverse that..."

Uh oh...

I think I'm getting sick. This is the second day I've woken up with the sniffles...I guess that's what you get when you spend a week training with someone who has bronchitis...

Change of Scenery

So I decided that with the new job, my blog should get a new start, too. Well, that and I just thought the old template was too dark - it was depressing me. Time to see my therapist...

Mental Block

I seem to have some sort of mental block when it comes to trash days...I am wondering why. It's not like it's a difficult task or anything - so why do I keep forgetting to put it out?

Again, the weekend has passed too quickly, and it's back to work tomorrow. I'm still at that panic phase of my new job - wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into; even if it is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me - part of me is certain I'm not good enough for this job. There's just so much to learn in such a short period of time - I'm so terrified of screwing up and there is no job security here like I had at HDE. Welcome to the real world, right? I guess I can only keep myself in the protective bubble so long.

So Far...

....so good.

I am extremely overwhelmed and kind of wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into. I guess it all just seems very intimidating. Understandable, when you come from a place you spent five years, essentially being "the shit," knowing everything, knowing how to do everything, being the go-to person, and being able to tell everyone how you want everything done......and then going back to the bottom of the totem pole and starting over again.

Sandra told me I'm "driving" tomorrow...which means that playtime is over and now I really have to LEARN. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I don't screw up too much...

Free at Last!!!!!!!!

Yes, it's official. I am no longer an employee of Home Design Elements.

I must admit, it was a very sweet last day for me; the office closed down for a couple hours while we went out to lunch - Joe came by and made a very emotional and heartfelt speech for me; I got presents, and spent the entire day training the new Office Manager. I didn't expect my last day to be so busy, but it's finally over.

It still hasn't sunk in yet. I have a feeling it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks sometime next week....

Panic Sets In...

So I officially now have only 5 work days left at HDE.

The powers that be are starting to panic...

Jim even canceled his vacation to Switzerland, because "I wouldn't have fun; I'd be worrying about what's happening here..."

HA!!!

On one hand, I feel kinda guilty about upsetting everything just as they were getting ready to enter the next phase of making the company bigger, but on the other hand, after getting shit on for the last 5 years, I am also taking childish pleasure in thinking, "what goes around, comes around."

I finished the manual of how to do my job - it's 26 pages. Typed. Single spaced. I doubt anyone is going to read it. And I know next week is going to be a nightmare, as I'm supposed to "cross-train" Tim and Melissa. I can tell they're determined to make my last week as miserable as possible if they're making me spend almost all my time with Tim.

Ah, well - there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm going to be HAPPY, and they are NOT going to ruin it for me!!!!

Success!!!!!!!

My heart is beating so fast and loud I'm sure anyone within a mile radius of me can hear it. This is the day I've been dreaming about for at least the last three years...I'm turning in my resignation. After five years (almost to the DAY) I am leaving and starting a new chapter of my life at another company. And my head is still spinning...

(Flashback to last week...)

Wednesday of last week I get an email from a random recruiter (in Chicago of all places) who said she saw my resume on monster.com and thinks I'd be perfect for a position one of her clients is trying to fill, and would I be interested in an interview? The job description is completely different than what I do now, but I know I'm more than qualified for it and it would be a really nice change...so sure, I'll interview. I've got nothing to lose.

Fast forward to Friday - which will go down in my history as one of the weirdest days of my life. I set my alarm for 5am, because I have to be in McLean at 8am for the interview, and I know 66 is going to be awful. My cat finally wakes me up at 6am. I've slept through the alarm and now I don't even have time to shower. NOTHING makes me feel more gross and uncomfortable than not being able to take a shower and on top of that, it's going to be a very long day. So I race out of the house at 6:45 praying that 66 isn't too bad. I hear a strange noise as I'm driving...is my car dragging to the left a bit? Oh, CRAP - my tire is going flat. Of all the times for this to happen - but I'm halfway down 66, and it's not going 'thump thump thump' so it must not be flat yet...hell with it - I'm just going to keep going. So I do. I get to the interview with 20 minutes to spare, and completely forget about the car as I'm walking in.

Holy crap - this is a REAL office building...with a security desk, and visitors have to be signed in and escorted everywhere, like my mom's old job...wow - what would it be like to work for a real company? Everyone is so friendly and they're wearing jeans! It's casual Friday - excellent. There's an employee who brought one of the security guards some coffee - that's so sweet! Everyone is smiling - this is too good to be true. My interviewer comes down to escort me back up to the 6th floor - he's wearing jeans, too. As we walk into the office, I notice that every cubicle has a bright rainbow neon wind sock-like fish hanging from the ceiling above. What does it mean? But it makes the place so cheery! It's like they're a big team - and I wonder if on other floors, all the cubicles have different animals...stupid thought, but who knows?

The interview seems to go okay - first point I scored was my history - he was extremely impressed by my 5 year tenure at HDE. But as I'm walking out, all I can think about is how gross I feel, and why didn't I ask more questions? Interviewers love it when you ask questions and my mind just went blank. Sigh - oh, well. Good experience if nothing else. I walk back out to my car and sure enough, the left rear tire is completely flat. CRAP. Now what? Well, I'm only like one block from Tyson's Corner - there's sure to be a gas station on the outskirts somewhere. So I drive it to the nearest one I can find, and they tell me I've pretty much ruined the tire - but at least I didn't bend the rim. But they don't have any tires that match the ones I have. Goshdangit. Fine - just put the donut on. What? $20? Are you kidding me? BASTARDS! Whatever - fine - just do it.

Now it's raining.

It's a little after 9 - do I take care of this now? Saturn is only 10 minutes from work - all they have to do is slap on a new tire. Fine. I'll go to Saturn. They're kinda backed up and I don't have an appointment - it's going to take a little over half an hour. Fine. I call my president and tell him I have a flat - I'm going to be late. So I'm in the Saturn bathroom changing out of my interview clothes into my typical jeans for work, and I get back out to the waiting area and collapse. Could this morning go any more wrong?

I get to work, start getting settled in, and it's about 11:15 now. My cell phone rings. It's a 312 area code. That's Chicago. That's the recruiter. I answer and she says, "I have good news - you got the job!!!"

I WHAT?!?!

I got the job. After the morning from hell - no shower - it's raining - I got the job. The job that will pay $12,000 more than what I'm making now. To do half the work. Flexible hours - casual Fridays - don't have to worry about there being someone to watch the phones if I want to go to lunch - national company - room to actually be PROMOTED at some point - fish over the desks - this HAS to be too good to be true...but it's true - am I interested?

YES!!!!!

And with that word, I have changed my life. Saturday night, I faxed all my new hire paperwork to Chicago and will officially be an employee of the recruiting company for my temporary assignment to Nextel. Then Nextel will love me so much they'll hire me outright at the end of the temporary assignment. I know, this is the biggest risk I've ever taken. My justification is this: even if Nextel DOESN'T hire me at the end, it's only taken me three weeks to get two legitimate job offers. And with the money I'm making at Nextel, I'll have enough of a cushion to cover me during the interim if I have to search for another job.

So back to Monday of this week -

I walk into work - resignation in hand, planning on dropping the bomb after the dreaded accounts receivable meeting. But something is wrong - Tim's not there...Jim says he's sick. Crap. Now I have to do this NOW. Well, here goes nothing.

Jim's reaction was..."Okay."

'Okay?!?!?' After five years at this company, all I get is "okay?" This is so anti-climactic. So I'm sort of reeling from that...and as the girls show up, I tell them one by one - they're surprised, sad, but happy for me. Tim shows up in the afternoon - and doesn't say one word to me all day. I take this as an improvement. Meanwhile, I'm also getting the silent treatment from the partners. I faxed a copy of my resignation over at 9:45 this morning...and nothing. Are they furious? Are they shocked? Do they care? Well, FINE. Just goes to show you I'm perfectly correct in wanting to leave. Jim's in his office making phone call after phone call trying to set up interviews - he's going to be gone on vacation next week. He won't even be there on my last day. Which is fine - I don't have any attachment to him at all anyways.

It's now Tuesday - the shock has worn off, everyone is starting to make jokes about me leaving, which is nice. Then I get an email from Norman - very short and sweet - thanking me for my loyalty for the last five years and wishing me the best of luck. Aw, that's sweet.

Then Joe shows up. This is what I've been afraid of. I've worked for Joe for almost 7 years...he's probably going to take it the hardest. And he does. The look in his eyes almost made me cry, but I tried to explain it the best I could -

Me: No, I'm not angry, I just think this is an opportunity I would be a complete moron to pass up. (Then he starts trying to find holes in my perfect opportunity.)
Joe: When do you have to be there?
Me: Flex hours.
Joe's thoughts: Crap, there goes my "you're going to have a crappy commute theory".
Joe: I'm assuming this is a lucrative deal?
Me: Um, you could say that. (I managed to convey that there was no way they would match it without saying the number.)
Joe: What will you be doing?
Me: Commissions Analyst.
Joe's thoughts: HA - now I have her!
Joe: Really putting that degree to work aren't you?
Me: I'm not really putting my degree to work here, either.
Joe's thoughts: Crap, I forgot about that.
Joe: (Now looking completely dejected with all the wind taken out of his sails) Well, you look really happy, and if you're happy, I'm happy for you...

And so now it's Wednesday. Only 8 more work days at HDE. Now I'm starting to get scared about the new job, but I'm sure it's the right thing to do. So starts a new chapter of my life...